There seems to be some discussion in the blogosphere about discipline a while back by several friends. We all need some way of getting our rambunctious toddlers to do the things that we'd like them to and to avoid doing the things that we don't want them to do. This semester, RJ had been testing the limits on and off at school (he seems to act up more when he's excited and when he's teething). In the first week that he started acting aggressively, he bit, kicked, pushed, hit, and sat on other children. That week sucked - I thought my child was a demon spawn! Luckily the biting was short lived - a total of twice and hopefully never to be seen again-, the sitting on was a one-time occurrence, and the kicking lasted a week. However, the hitting and pushing is something that resurfaces from time to time.
So, how do we deal with these normal toddler behaviors so that children learn to behave appropriately as preschoolers, older children, adolescents, and adults?
I wanted to share what Lance and I, along with RJ teachers at school do - because it is working really well and because the techniques are those that are backed up by research and practice and in line with the guidelines and recommendations of the National Association for the Education of the Young Child (NAEYC) for Developmentally Appropriate Practice.
1.) We tell him what we'd like him to be doing as an alternative for what he is doing. (Positive Direction)
Ex. If he's hitting momma, I say, "RJ, gentle hands on Momma"
2.) We let him know how his actions make us (or his friends) feel.
Ex. If RJ hits Hayden, we say, "RJ, it makes Hayden sad when you hurt him" or "It makes Teacher Kasie sad when we hurt our friends"
3.) We give him choices between two appropriate behaviors. He gets to make a choice and we get him to do what we want him to - a win-win situation!
Ex. "RJ would you like to eat lunch in the high chair or the big boy chair" OR as of late when he starts doing the pee-pee dance, "RJ would you like to use the potty by yourself or would you like Mommy to take you?"
4.) We use words that let him know that his behavior is a choice.
Ex. "RJ you may play with the play doh if it stays on the table. Otherwise, we need to choose something else"
5.) Allow repeated opportunities to make the appropriate choices and practice listening skills.
Ex. RJ likes to run away on the walks at school. So Kasie puts him in the stroller and tells him that "We need to stay with our teachers if we walk." Then after they reach their destination and get out, he'll have the choice to walk or ride for the way back. "
6.) Praise whenever we notice he is acting appropriately, especially if it's an area he's struggling with or working on.
Ex. "RJ I really like how you're being gentle with Daisy" or "Yay for pee pee in the potty!" or "Nice sharing. It makes Mommy happy to see you share."
We don't use any time outs as punishment, which, if you listen to the popular media and many pediatricians, are quite in vogue. This is both a boon and a bane for children. The promotion of time outs is good because using time out is a million times better than any form of corporal punishment (i.e., spanking, swatting a hand).
Research has shown time and again that spanking leads to bad outcomes, most notably more aggression. Even more importantly, spanking, IF it does curb the undesirable behavior (it won't for many children), it does so by creating a fear of the spanker AND it uses extrinsic motivation. The goal isn't to create a zombie child that behaves only because they are avoiding punishment or out of fear. The goal IS to create a child who behaves because HE wants to behave. Guidance works by providing the child with a sense of self-efficacy (the sense that they can behave in the appropriate way) and giving the child a voice in the process. If guidance is used well, there is no need for punishment of any kind.
However, while time outs are better than corporal punishment, they also aren't extremely effective if used in the traditional manner. Time outs shouldn't be used as a punishment, rather as a way to calm down. With that said, time outs that are of the "sit there and think about what you did" variety are pretty useless and toddlers and preschoolers really don't have the cognitive capacity to be so retrospective. Even when they are older, few children actually think about what they did - most stew and get angry at whoever made them sit down and miss the action. Time outs, if they are used should be a chance for the child to calm down, which might include screaming to let out frustration, pounding play-doh, etc. Few people can calm down by being forced to sit in a chair or in a corner. Also, the best way to use time out, is as an option for the child before discussing the natural consequences of their behaviors. Sometimes the child needs the time to calm down, and other times they don't. In any case, the time-out shouldn't be the consequence of their behavior. The consequence should match the behavior. Examples include - saying "I'm sorry" to someone the child hurt, helping cleaning up the mess she made, or giving up a contentious toy for the immediate time period. However, even these are not necessary most of the time if you're guiding the child toward appropriate behavior and praising them (not using tangible rewards - you want them to be intrinically motivated to act appropriately) when they are behaving.
We try our best to promote RJ's good behavior by simply encouraging good behavior through positive direction and responding to negative behaviors with explanations, natural consequences, and choices.
As a side note, these techniques also work by promoting guilt, rather than shame, in the child. Guilt is an emotion that promotes action to rectify a situation, whereas shame is a withdrawal emotion that leads to feeling bad about oneself, rather than about the behavior. By focusing on the child's behavior ("It makes mommy sad when you hit Boca") rather than the child themselves ("It makes mommy sad when you're a bad boy") it activates guilt, which is helpful, rather than shame, but also provides the child with a sense that what they did was bad and can be changed, versus the child perceiving oneself as bad, which is a more stable trait that is harder to change.
Resources used:
Wilson, 1994Hearron & Hildebrandt, 2008Lansford et al., 2005
