DeLanceys Do Sonoma/Logan Breaks His Arm

We've been in California for 6 years and had yet to get ourselves to Sonoma Wine Country.  When we heard that our friends Otte and Eva were going to be there for a wedding, we took the opportunity to try and see them, as well as go to a winery or two.

Otte was free for a little bit, so we met up with him for lunch and walking around downtown Healdsburg.  It was great getting to see him, though we were bummed that we were missing Eva, who was busy with wedding preparations with the bridal party.  The kids loved Otte (because who wouldn't!), and we had a great day so far.

When Otte had to leave, we decided to find a winery.  We decided to try out Bella Vineyards, because they had wine caves, which we thought might be cool for the kids to see (rather than just a regular tasting room).  The winery was beautiful, and they actually had a neat tasting setup where there were food pairings as well.  Some were outside and some were inside.  After hitting the outside stations and letting the kids run around on the grass and play with the provided hula hoops, when we sat on comfy chairs, we headed into the wine caves.  We got our first tastes (maybe our 3rd wine, total) inside and sat down at a table inside the cave.

And that is when Logan got fidgety and as we were telling him to sit on his bottom, instead of kneeling backwards on the chair, he tipped it and landed on the concrete on his arms.  Luckily, he didn't hit his head at all, but he was NOT calming down, which is very unlike Logan, who is normally our tough kid, who calms down quickly.  He was even reacting worse than RJ, who is known for histrionics over the slightest injury sometimes, so we knew something was wrong.  And he wouldn't let go of his left arm.

So yeah, we drove him to a hospital.

Thank goodness for PBS Kids on the TV in the ER rooms!
Great Distraction.

We probably could have taken him to a closer hospital, as I'm sure there are hospitals in Sonoma, but we made the decision to take him to Children's Hospital in Oakland, because we knew that was a good hospital and would handle his case well given that they specialize in pediatrics and he was still only 2.5.  And upon getting him in the car, he was reasonably calm, although obviously still hurting a lot (I seem to remember giving him Advil to help with that - I figured that by the time we got there and got seen and they figured out what was wrong that it would be out of his system anyway).

Broken Elbow

We got to the hospital and they took x-rays.  The first person said it wasn't broken, just very swollen and sprained badly.  Then the second person came in and said that there was a small fracture, but that it was of a type that usually healed very quickly and sometimes didn't even need a cast (but given his age, it made sense to put a cast on and prevent further injury.  It was non-displaced, so they were going to be able to wrap it quickly with him awake (as opposed to needing to sedate him and set it with surgery).  So the orthopedic resident wrapped him up in a cast and we were sent on our merry way home.

Luckily, Logan is pretty resilient and was his happy self again the next day.  And less than 48 hours after the incident, had managed to tackle RJ to the ground one armed.














More pictures of our Adventures in Sonoma/Oakland Children's Hospital are here.

RJ in Monterey

This summer, we had some pretty lofty goals of seeing more of the California hotspots. In the three years we've been here, we've been to the Bay Area cities, up Mt. Diablo, Santa Cruz, LA twice (once exploring Hollywood and once exploring Santa Monica/Venice/Marina Del Rey/Downtown LA), Calaveras County (Gold Country), Sacramento, and Lake Tahoe (albeit briefly). This isn't bad for jumping right into new jobs our first year, having a newborn and a family wedding our first full summer here, and buying a house last summer. This summer was the first where we were sort of free to actually ENJOY living here. Of course this summer also involved a new position, pregnancy, and a trip across the country (because we can't travel at Christmas!), so really, it's always something!

Our trip to the Monterey Pennisula was the first of our summer travel destinations. We started our long weekend with a long car ride there. I think it was about 3.5 hours - although it should've been closer to 2.5 or 3 hours. But we had a potty training toddler who required us to pull over and let him use the potty on the side of the road several times. For those considering this - a potty that has the removable cup in it to dump the pee is desirable. I was able to pour all his pee into used spring water bottles and dump it into a toilet at our destination.

Anyway, by the time we arrived, it was lunch time. So, we stumbled upon the very yummy Paris Bakery Cafe, where we had some delectable sandwiches (for example, mine had melted brie in it!) and checked into the hotel to get RJ down for a nap. He slept in the big boy hotel bed for the first time!

After nap we left our room which RJ described as "open the door, see ocean", we rented a surrey and rode up and down the coastline bike path from Lover's Point, where we were staying, to Old Fisherman's Wharf and back. This was a great orientation to the area that we were going to explore more thoroughly over the next couple of days. RJ really enjoyed riding up front and telling mommy and daddy to "go faster". Also, these contraptions are not the easiest to maneuver or judge, but we managed not to get ourselves hit by a car while crossing streets or hit anyone else using the bike path.

After dinner in Pacific Grove, we were drawn to a jazz band playing outside of an art gallery and RJ couldn't resist dancing to the music, which everyone around enjoyed!

On our second day, we went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. RJ's favorites were the sharks (Galapagos and Hammerhead), Southern Sea Otters, and of course the African Blackfooted Penguins, who we got to watch during feeding time. Mostly he enjoyed the hands on exhibits that involved sticking his hands in the water. The tricky part was when he kept trying to put his hands in his mouth after touching the starfish in the petting tank or just after putting on the hand sanitizer. After the aquarium we strolled down Cannery Row and had some lunch.

After nap, we headed to the Dennis the Menace Playground, which is massive. There are slides built into hills, a suspension bridge, a train engine to climb on, a hedge maze, and several play structures. I think RJ would've been satisfied with only the train though, as we had to convince him that the playground was worth his attention. Once he saw it and went down a few slides, he was hooked though! It must be overwhelming for a toddler to have all that fun in one place!

Then on our last day, we decided that a whale watch would be really cool. Unfortunately, the Pacific Ocean is quite choppy and we were on a smaller boat than we had expected (a fishing tour boat really). RJ thought it was a blast, but I got seasick after walking to the bathroom to pee and Lance got seasick just from sitting on the boat. I probably would've been fine if I wouldn't have moved or gotten out of the breeze or been pregnant but the combination of morning sickness and being on a incessantly rocking and bobbing boat was (in retrospect) a recipe for disaster. Having NEVER gotten motion sickness of any kind in my life though, we really didn't expect me to have any problems. So, poor RJ had both his parents puking, but he was just happy to be on a boat. We did actually get a whale sighting, although this was limited to seeing the whale's dorsal fin occasionally.

After exploring Old Fisherman's Wharf and getting some food back in our bellies, we took the 17 mile drive tour through Pebble Beach on our way to the freeway. This was largely a tactic to get RJ to nap during his normal (1-3pm) time and still see a little more of Monterey, but instead we had a whining toddler in the car and the sights were not so spectacular. Lance and I both thought that the "Lone" Cypress was a joke. If you look at our pictures - you'll very clearly see that the tree immortalized as the symbol of Pebble Beach is not nearly as alone as you might expect. Yeah, it's out on that ledge, but its friends are just a few feet away on the same outcropping of rock. We were not impressed by its lone-ness!

Then about 5 minutes before getting on the freeway, and about an hour or so after his normal nap would've ended, THEN RJ fell asleep for the uneventful ride home.

Discipline

There seems to be some discussion in the blogosphere about discipline a while back by several friends. We all need some way of getting our rambunctious toddlers to do the things that we'd like them to and to avoid doing the things that we don't want them to do. This semester, RJ had been testing the limits on and off at school (he seems to act up more when he's excited and when he's teething). In the first week that he started acting aggressively, he bit, kicked, pushed, hit, and sat on other children. That week sucked - I thought my child was a demon spawn! Luckily the biting was short lived - a total of twice and hopefully never to be seen again-, the sitting on was a one-time occurrence, and the kicking lasted a week. However, the hitting and pushing is something that resurfaces from time to time.

So, how do we deal with these normal toddler behaviors so that children learn to behave appropriately as preschoolers, older children, adolescents, and adults?

I wanted to share what Lance and I, along with RJ teachers at school do - because it is working really well and because the techniques are those that are backed up by research and practice and in line with the guidelines and recommendations of the National Association for the Education of the Young Child (NAEYC) for Developmentally Appropriate Practice.

1.) We tell him what we'd like him to be doing as an alternative for what he is doing. (Positive Direction)
Ex. If he's hitting momma, I say, "RJ, gentle hands on Momma"

2.) We let him know how his actions make us (or his friends) feel.
Ex. If RJ hits Hayden, we say, "RJ, it makes Hayden sad when you hurt him" or "It makes Teacher Kasie sad when we hurt our friends"

3.) We give him choices between two appropriate behaviors. He gets to make a choice and we get him to do what we want him to - a win-win situation!
Ex. "RJ would you like to eat lunch in the high chair or the big boy chair" OR as of late when he starts doing the pee-pee dance, "RJ would you like to use the potty by yourself or would you like Mommy to take you?"

4.) We use words that let him know that his behavior is a choice.
Ex. "RJ you may play with the play doh if it stays on the table. Otherwise, we need to choose something else"

5.) Allow repeated opportunities to make the appropriate choices and practice listening skills.
Ex. RJ likes to run away on the walks at school. So Kasie puts him in the stroller and tells him that "We need to stay with our teachers if we walk." Then after they reach their destination and get out, he'll have the choice to walk or ride for the way back. "

6.) Praise whenever we notice he is acting appropriately, especially if it's an area he's struggling with or working on.
Ex. "RJ I really like how you're being gentle with Daisy" or "Yay for pee pee in the potty!" or "Nice sharing. It makes Mommy happy to see you share."

We don't use any time outs as punishment, which, if you listen to the popular media and many pediatricians, are quite in vogue. This is both a boon and a bane for children. The promotion of time outs is good because using time out is a million times better than any form of corporal punishment (i.e., spanking, swatting a hand). Research has shown time and again that spanking leads to bad outcomes, most notably more aggression. Even more importantly, spanking, IF it does curb the undesirable behavior (it won't for many children), it does so by creating a fear of the spanker AND it uses extrinsic motivation. The goal isn't to create a zombie child that behaves only because they are avoiding punishment or out of fear. The goal IS to create a child who behaves because HE wants to behave. Guidance works by providing the child with a sense of self-efficacy (the sense that they can behave in the appropriate way) and giving the child a voice in the process. If guidance is used well, there is no need for punishment of any kind.

However, while time outs are better than corporal punishment, they also aren't extremely effective if used in the traditional manner. Time outs shouldn't be used as a punishment, rather as a way to calm down. With that said, time outs that are of the "sit there and think about what you did" variety are pretty useless and toddlers and preschoolers really don't have the cognitive capacity to be so retrospective. Even when they are older, few children actually think about what they did - most stew and get angry at whoever made them sit down and miss the action. Time outs, if they are used should be a chance for the child to calm down, which might include screaming to let out frustration, pounding play-doh, etc. Few people can calm down by being forced to sit in a chair or in a corner. Also, the best way to use time out, is as an option for the child before discussing the natural consequences of their behaviors. Sometimes the child needs the time to calm down, and other times they don't. In any case, the time-out shouldn't be the consequence of their behavior. The consequence should match the behavior. Examples include - saying "I'm sorry" to someone the child hurt, helping cleaning up the mess she made, or giving up a contentious toy for the immediate time period. However, even these are not necessary most of the time if you're guiding the child toward appropriate behavior and praising them (not using tangible rewards - you want them to be intrinically motivated to act appropriately) when they are behaving.

We try our best to promote RJ's good behavior by simply encouraging good behavior through positive direction and responding to negative behaviors with explanations, natural consequences, and choices.

As a side note, these techniques also work by promoting guilt, rather than shame, in the child. Guilt is an emotion that promotes action to rectify a situation, whereas shame is a withdrawal emotion that leads to feeling bad about oneself, rather than about the behavior. By focusing on the child's behavior ("It makes mommy sad when you hit Boca") rather than the child themselves ("It makes mommy sad when you're a bad boy") it activates guilt, which is helpful, rather than shame, but also provides the child with a sense that what they did was bad and can be changed, versus the child perceiving oneself as bad, which is a more stable trait that is harder to change.

Resources used:
Wilson, 1994
Hearron & Hildebrandt, 2008
Lansford et al., 2005